Yeah I'm thinking that I'm just gonna scrap the only writing about the stuff with Shaun. That would just be stupid. Like why write about something so pointless and retarded. Our relationship is going nowhere just like writing in this journal. Like what new is going to happen? He's actually going to accomplish commiting suicide instead of failing at his attempts? Or what, he's going to ask he to marry him for the 5th time? Umm yeah no. Nothing new can happen unless he finally has no issues at one point in his life. That would be a huge shock.

Goodness, I'm so mean... like he's my best friend rite? How can I say this kinda stuff? *sigh* Yay for multiple personalities... maybe I should just commit myelf into a mental institution before someone shoves me in there.

WHY MUST YOU TOY WITH ME?!?

RAAAHAHHH! Whatever, I'm just going to stop caring. It'll be a lot easier that way. Maybe then I won't be a freakin wreck whenever I talk to you or after I talk to you. Yeah that's what I'll do. I'll be a self centered freak that won't do anything but care about myself. Yeah. Like that'll help. Then I'll hate myself. Being mad at you, I can live with. I can't live with myself if I hate myself.

Just whatever, I just gotta relax. BREATHE!

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Shaun just had a major fight with his best friend. He did some stuff that he regrets and now he's in a major hole. It just makes me feel so gross. Not being able to do anything to help. Like I got over the feeling of like jelousy of not being the closest person to him. Of how when he hurt me he never tried apolagizing. Of how I had to contact him first.

I'm not sure if he actually cares about me. Like, uhg. When he hurt his best friend he feels so awful and so depressed and stuff. What am I? His emotional punching bag? Why do I care about him so much that I'll let him walk all over me? I gotta stop doing this. This is so stupid. The only thing is, I promised him I'd always be there for him if he needed me, and I meant it. I don't promise stuff like that freely. I care about him so dang much, and it's so messed cuz like if he makes a mistake or does something he's gonna regret, he beats himself up about it. *sigh* Well let's go get toughened up so I can get back in the ring for another beating.

Hello. I am a 16 year old girl who, for some reason was intrigued by the idea of keeping a journal online. Throughout history man has wanted to keep record of history and to express himself. I've decided to type up parts of the journal that I've been keeping for the past year. 

The story begins February 2002. I had turned 14 the previous October and I went to my first church dance.  I met a great group of people through an old friend of mine.  I was introduced to her boyfriend, Shaun.  The first time I saw him, I thought "oh man is he cute." I immediately started flirting, as would any girl do with a guy she was interested in. I later  found out that my friend and him were a thing, so I was a bit embaressed.  Months passed and Shaun and I kept in touch thru IMing and later dances. He broke up with my friend and we opened up to each other and told each other some of our secrets.  He soon became the person who knew me the best, although we only saw each other once every few months.  Since I met him, I had a huge crush on him, which can lead to some pretty harsh feelings.  The following entries are what came of that.